Title Explained

Or maybe I am just writing this to remind me. Watching House on t.v. (while curled up on my bed under a blanket unable/unwilling to get up), its the episode where Wilson's girlfriend dies in the bus crash. House and Amy(?) are sitting on the bus after her death, talking. She is telling him he must get off the bus, go back to living, and he says..but it doesn't hurt here. Oh God, how I understand that line. Its why I am still in bed at 11:00 a.m. Its why I am not working. Alone, just me, no judgments, no expectations - it doesn't hurt here. I don't have to think or work to survive. I can just be still. Is it why I long for Heaven? I do. I long to be pain free. I long for it. I LONG to not hurt anymore.

It doesn't hurt here. It doesn't hurt here. It doesn't hurt here.

The Beginning

Trying. Trying to work it all out. Trying to heal. Trying to find a reason to love myself. Trying to get off AD's. Horrible process. Withdrawal sucks. Praying. Praying. Just want t0 know if normal exists, or does everyone feel like this, just in their own way. Hatred of self. Hatred of life. Hatred of being. Paranoid, or do people REALLY think I am weird. Left out. Left behind. Left. I trust NO ONE. Do you hear me? I am screaming it....I DO NOT TRUST YOU. Don't act hurt. You know you don't deserve my trust. You know in half a second that you'd betray me, so no I do NOT trust you.